Something that may not come as a surprise but I did it. Walking out that door tonight with my two dogs has to be one of the hardest things I've done. I'm not trying to prove a point or give an ultimatum, I'm trying to get peace. To live with a man that you love with everything you got and in return be treated so disrespectfully on his worse days can crush a woman. I am crushed but not damaged "goods." I gave all that I had, tried, prayed, cried and everything else but if he can't see what he had in me then maybe I made the right choice.
Of course, the little girl in me is hoping he comes and gets me and we live happily every after, after this lesson. Sadly, that's not the real world and I have no idea when or if he wants me back. A man's pride can keep him from the one he loves. Maybe he never loved me and was just comfortable? Maybe he doesn't know how to love? None of that justifies my hurt?
The anger in his eyes is the worse thing to see. This man has no feelings other then anger. In this one man is everything I've ever wanted and also what I don't want. Tonight I had a bank card thrown at my face because I asked him to turn off the TV at 10pm last night so that I could sleep. Tonight I was called cold hearted because I ask him to talk to his son about doing his laundry that was overflowing the day after he had a hard day at school. Is this what I deserve?
Now my two dogs, daughter and myself are all in one bedroom at my mom's house. What is my next step? Right now all I know is that I will be at my scheduled counseling session tomorrow. Will he show? I don't know. At this point I really need to focus on me and what God wants my next step to be. "Take the wheel Jesus" because I can't right now.
Whether he comes and gets me or not, my days ahead I'm sure will be hit with sadness and more questions then answers.
This sucks.
Monday, March 21, 2016
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
A Letter To My Husband
My Dearest Love,
The past month has been an interesting ride. Where do I begin? At least with something that you don't already know. It's obvious how much I love you, though you would insist that you love me more. I guess I'll start with what you mite not have known.
Last month and months before that, I was not in love with the person I was married to. I felt like I was going through the motions of being with someone in hopes that...well, to be honest I'm not sure. I just wanted you to care about me. Deep down inside I knew you loved me and that you would do anything for me but I didn't know if you were into me. Whenever anything is going on with you I couldn't really sense your mood because you were so closed off to me. Why take a partner in life if you didn't want to share your life? I felt like you didn't want me in your life but that's not what I wanted. I wanted you in my life, to know my inner most secrets and thoughts. To understand what makes me tick, what makes me genuinely happy, why my moods change, I wanted you to want to know it all about me! And I wanted to know everything about you, how I wished that you would let me in! I know you must feel or think something so why not tell me? It was as if moods, thoughts and feelings was something that you didn't have time for or couldn't handle. Things were OK as long as we didn't talk about anything serious, important or meaningful. Yes, we were in counseling "trying" but not whole heatedly. And if you're honest with yourself you will know that I am telling the truth. In my eyes you have been a ticking time bomb that only went off on me. My thoughts would often drift to, "why only me? What did I do so terrible?" Not saying that I am blame free in our past arguments. Looking back, there were so many feelings to what was happening with us and now it all feels like another life. Not ours. If I closed my eyes real tight and think back then I can recall how I felt but what's the point in that? That is our past.
Fast forward to today and I am so in love with the person I am married to. I look in your eyes and I can see how much you care for me. Your love is felt not just assumed that it's there. In the past couple of weeks I can think of at least three situations that you would've normally blown up on me and instead you handled me in such a gentle way. The way that I would always pray and hope to be met with. You are in tune with my feelings. When my mood changes (like women's moods tend to do) you ask me about it, you actually want to know what's going on with me! Now I know you care. For the first time in a long time (too long) I feel treasured. Precious. Loved. Accepted. Adored. Desired. Understood. Worthy.
Date nights, flowers and cards has nothing to do with money, being flashy or being materialistic but has everything to do with your time. Our fun date nights shows me how you still want to take me out, show me off to the world and court me after seeing me everyday. When I get flowers I know you took a good 20 or so minutes out of your day to go through the hassle of ordering them during a full day at work, just to surprise me with something so lively and fresh to brighten up my beloved kitchen and put a huge smile on my face. The cards you give leave me in awe how you always find the perfect card to express how you feel! How long it takes you standing in front of rows and rows of cards to pick just the right one I will never know, all I know is how much I treasure them and your art work on the back. I know that relationships grow and change but I never want us to grow and change out of this. You bringing it back makes me beyond happy just please don't stop again. These gestures make me feel hopeful for our future, I know that that probably sounds dumb but it does.
Why did it take almost three years to get to this point? I don't know but I wouldn't change our journey. Not sure if I would've taken it for granted if I had all of you in the beginning but I do know that I will always be thankful for who you are now and never take it for granted. I fell in love with your strength and determination, now you apply that to me and not just the shop. I now see you as someone who is ready to comfort me when I'm sad or frustrated, you are now the person that I can come to and talk with. You make me feel like I matter and not something to be ignored. Last week I thought it was all going to come crumbling apart, that my loving husband was going to (emotionally) leave me again and I'm so happy that you proved me wrong. This is going to take some getting use to on my part but I'm confident that it won't take long. :)
All this is to acknowledge you, our efforts and journey in this marriage. And to say with all my heart, I love you ! More!
Love,
Your Wife
The past month has been an interesting ride. Where do I begin? At least with something that you don't already know. It's obvious how much I love you, though you would insist that you love me more. I guess I'll start with what you mite not have known.
Last month and months before that, I was not in love with the person I was married to. I felt like I was going through the motions of being with someone in hopes that...well, to be honest I'm not sure. I just wanted you to care about me. Deep down inside I knew you loved me and that you would do anything for me but I didn't know if you were into me. Whenever anything is going on with you I couldn't really sense your mood because you were so closed off to me. Why take a partner in life if you didn't want to share your life? I felt like you didn't want me in your life but that's not what I wanted. I wanted you in my life, to know my inner most secrets and thoughts. To understand what makes me tick, what makes me genuinely happy, why my moods change, I wanted you to want to know it all about me! And I wanted to know everything about you, how I wished that you would let me in! I know you must feel or think something so why not tell me? It was as if moods, thoughts and feelings was something that you didn't have time for or couldn't handle. Things were OK as long as we didn't talk about anything serious, important or meaningful. Yes, we were in counseling "trying" but not whole heatedly. And if you're honest with yourself you will know that I am telling the truth. In my eyes you have been a ticking time bomb that only went off on me. My thoughts would often drift to, "why only me? What did I do so terrible?" Not saying that I am blame free in our past arguments. Looking back, there were so many feelings to what was happening with us and now it all feels like another life. Not ours. If I closed my eyes real tight and think back then I can recall how I felt but what's the point in that? That is our past.
Fast forward to today and I am so in love with the person I am married to. I look in your eyes and I can see how much you care for me. Your love is felt not just assumed that it's there. In the past couple of weeks I can think of at least three situations that you would've normally blown up on me and instead you handled me in such a gentle way. The way that I would always pray and hope to be met with. You are in tune with my feelings. When my mood changes (like women's moods tend to do) you ask me about it, you actually want to know what's going on with me! Now I know you care. For the first time in a long time (too long) I feel treasured. Precious. Loved. Accepted. Adored. Desired. Understood. Worthy.
Date nights, flowers and cards has nothing to do with money, being flashy or being materialistic but has everything to do with your time. Our fun date nights shows me how you still want to take me out, show me off to the world and court me after seeing me everyday. When I get flowers I know you took a good 20 or so minutes out of your day to go through the hassle of ordering them during a full day at work, just to surprise me with something so lively and fresh to brighten up my beloved kitchen and put a huge smile on my face. The cards you give leave me in awe how you always find the perfect card to express how you feel! How long it takes you standing in front of rows and rows of cards to pick just the right one I will never know, all I know is how much I treasure them and your art work on the back. I know that relationships grow and change but I never want us to grow and change out of this. You bringing it back makes me beyond happy just please don't stop again. These gestures make me feel hopeful for our future, I know that that probably sounds dumb but it does.
Why did it take almost three years to get to this point? I don't know but I wouldn't change our journey. Not sure if I would've taken it for granted if I had all of you in the beginning but I do know that I will always be thankful for who you are now and never take it for granted. I fell in love with your strength and determination, now you apply that to me and not just the shop. I now see you as someone who is ready to comfort me when I'm sad or frustrated, you are now the person that I can come to and talk with. You make me feel like I matter and not something to be ignored. Last week I thought it was all going to come crumbling apart, that my loving husband was going to (emotionally) leave me again and I'm so happy that you proved me wrong. This is going to take some getting use to on my part but I'm confident that it won't take long. :)
All this is to acknowledge you, our efforts and journey in this marriage. And to say with all my heart, I love you ! More!
Love,
Your Wife
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