What started as a devastating blow to my heart has turned into such (dare I say) a blessing. In the last three weeks I got to know, understand and fall in a deeper love with my husband. During a difficult time I thank God for always walking it through with me to the good that He has for us.
Prior to the news my husband dropped on me our intimacy was low to non existent. Don't get me wrong, I loved the man, found him very desirable but there seemed to be a barrier between us that we couldn't knock down, it was the elephant in the room. Considering all that, I truly believe that's what led to everything. We talked all the time, laughed, completed one another sentences but never really communicated. For us to sit down and bare our hearts, struggles and feelings with one another just didn't happen. He didn't know how to and I didn't trust him enough.
In three weeks we went to two counseling sessions, got serious, opened up and learned new behaviors. Before we could learn how to communicate, we had to be ready and that's what made all the difference with us. Seeing where we were and what we had become was a wake up call. That was never what we wanted to become and be to one another. Anyone that see's us can see how much we love each other, we just needed to learn how to better communicate and trust.
We have been very fortunate to be able to have our son stay with him mom and our daughter to stay with my mom for a few weeks so that we could focus on our marriage. It was almost like an intense marriage rehab. Though I was hopefully, I was scared we'd just fall back into the same cycle. Fight, make up, be good for a couple weeks then start all over again.
There have been "tests" along the way and all I could think was "here we go again." To my surprise my husband has put to use everything we've learned, he has been in tune with my feelings, gentle, understanding and the biggest of all, he communicates with me! I know that we may have bumps in the road but I pray we continue with our new habits and ride those bumps out together rather than battling each other along the way.
I feel like I'm married to a new man. A better man. He is gaining my trust. He's loving me the way that I need him to. I have never felt so close to him before. The new him has made him irresistible to me. I have fallen in love all over again with my husband.
Monday, February 29, 2016
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Not Loving My Shattered Life
It's been a month since my last post and trust me if things haven't been crazy then I would've posted sooner. I have been sick for 3 straight weeks and finally feel healthy again. Now that my virus is gone I am focusing on making my heart and mind healthy.
My husband dropped a bombshell on me recently. It feels like I'm in a bad dream that keeps playing over and over. Why did this happen with my marriage? My husband? God, how much more are you going to trust me to handle? I've spent the last 24 hours with tears in my eyes. Every time I'm home alone I cry my eyes out like a big baby.
His confession made sense as to why he is so flat out not present in our marriage. For along time I have felt alone. For along time I have been without the man I fell in love with. For the longest time I've waited for my love to come back to me. Why did he willingly leave me? Why didn't he let me in? Isn't it you and me against the world? My husband has been a shell of himself and now I have to deal with all these emotions. I can't even look at him or hear his voice without asking myself, who is this person? Am I over reacting?
I wrote him a lengthy email because I can't bring myself to tell him in person without wanting to physically hurt him and yell at him. Will he understand what I'm feeling? Will he understand that this hard or me? Will he understand why it is hard for me? Will he ride out my vast emotions with me? All these questions I have and even if I get answers, the answers will not make me feel sympathetic.
Growing up my biological dad wasn't around. After 27 years of him not around he finally reached out to my brother and I and wanted to make an amends for his absents. When we finally sat down with him I had a list of questions. Each answer I got made me more upset because it still didn't make sense to me. It didn't justify his actions or lack of. My brother and I were the victims not him. To this day his "excuses," "reasons," "justifications," and "apologies" don't put me at ease.
Early last year my daughter wanted to meet her absent biological dad. My husband and I took her. Before going she literally made a list and asked me, if she wasn't able to ask the questions, if I could and I said yes. We all met up, she and I asked her questions. She left with just as much disappointment then before meeting him sadly for the first time. His answers did nothing to help her understand.
These past experiences and feelings are how I feel today about my husband. I'm so angry at him. I'm so disappointed. I was here to love him, gave him my heart, anything he wanted or needed from me I'd gladly give it! Was that not enough? Was my love not enough? Was I not enough?
I feel like I am mourning the loss of the man I fell in love with. I need him to be here to be my rock. I need him here to tell me everything is going to be OK. I need him here to hold me and kiss my forehead. I literally feel like that man died.
Even as I'm typing tears are coming down. My keyboard is wet. My tear drops are big and watery. These tears are coming from my heart rather then my eyes. In this time that I feel so alone and broken I'm holding onto my faith, that's all I have. God, please bring me comfort.
Part of my email to my husband:
My husband dropped a bombshell on me recently. It feels like I'm in a bad dream that keeps playing over and over. Why did this happen with my marriage? My husband? God, how much more are you going to trust me to handle? I've spent the last 24 hours with tears in my eyes. Every time I'm home alone I cry my eyes out like a big baby.
His confession made sense as to why he is so flat out not present in our marriage. For along time I have felt alone. For along time I have been without the man I fell in love with. For the longest time I've waited for my love to come back to me. Why did he willingly leave me? Why didn't he let me in? Isn't it you and me against the world? My husband has been a shell of himself and now I have to deal with all these emotions. I can't even look at him or hear his voice without asking myself, who is this person? Am I over reacting?
I wrote him a lengthy email because I can't bring myself to tell him in person without wanting to physically hurt him and yell at him. Will he understand what I'm feeling? Will he understand that this hard or me? Will he understand why it is hard for me? Will he ride out my vast emotions with me? All these questions I have and even if I get answers, the answers will not make me feel sympathetic.
Growing up my biological dad wasn't around. After 27 years of him not around he finally reached out to my brother and I and wanted to make an amends for his absents. When we finally sat down with him I had a list of questions. Each answer I got made me more upset because it still didn't make sense to me. It didn't justify his actions or lack of. My brother and I were the victims not him. To this day his "excuses," "reasons," "justifications," and "apologies" don't put me at ease.
Early last year my daughter wanted to meet her absent biological dad. My husband and I took her. Before going she literally made a list and asked me, if she wasn't able to ask the questions, if I could and I said yes. We all met up, she and I asked her questions. She left with just as much disappointment then before meeting him sadly for the first time. His answers did nothing to help her understand.
These past experiences and feelings are how I feel today about my husband. I'm so angry at him. I'm so disappointed. I was here to love him, gave him my heart, anything he wanted or needed from me I'd gladly give it! Was that not enough? Was my love not enough? Was I not enough?
I feel like I am mourning the loss of the man I fell in love with. I need him to be here to be my rock. I need him here to tell me everything is going to be OK. I need him here to hold me and kiss my forehead. I literally feel like that man died.
Even as I'm typing tears are coming down. My keyboard is wet. My tear drops are big and watery. These tears are coming from my heart rather then my eyes. In this time that I feel so alone and broken I'm holding onto my faith, that's all I have. God, please bring me comfort.
Part of my email to my husband:
"The man I fell in love with was my real true love.
I've been hanging in there waiting for him to come back to me to take me away from this .to love me. to tell me how much he loves me and look into my eyes. I've stayed right here where he left me so that he could find me. Instead of getting lost along the way back to me I think he died and now I'm here crying my heart out cause he is gone and I don't know how to live life without him, this is the worse pain I've ever felt. He was my everything. He showed me what true love was and then left. I miss my true love so much!"
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