Since my last post, I've done a lot of thinking. When I started this blog I wanted it to be about the food, family growth and fun. Looking back on my posts of the things that have gone on in my life, gets one to feel a little down. A couple of times I shared my food, a few times something positive in my family life and many growing pains. No, I'm not trying to paint of pretty picture of my life but it was not the reason why I started this blog. I can't erase what's been written and pretend that certain events didn't happen. So, I guess my only choice is to embrace the trials that us as a family have faced and show that we learn and grow stronger from it.
With my head held high, I am happy to say that the night I left my husband, he sought me out. That was the first night I've spent away from him in three years and it will be the last. My husband and I have taken a stand together that we will continue to learn, love and put God first in our marriage.
Going forward I will not shy away from talking about my family but I do want to focus on the cool stuff that we do together. Yes, we are a young family trying to get it together and in the midst of all of that is a lot of love!
Thursday, April 28, 2016
Monday, March 21, 2016
Tonight I left
Something that may not come as a surprise but I did it. Walking out that door tonight with my two dogs has to be one of the hardest things I've done. I'm not trying to prove a point or give an ultimatum, I'm trying to get peace. To live with a man that you love with everything you got and in return be treated so disrespectfully on his worse days can crush a woman. I am crushed but not damaged "goods." I gave all that I had, tried, prayed, cried and everything else but if he can't see what he had in me then maybe I made the right choice.
Of course, the little girl in me is hoping he comes and gets me and we live happily every after, after this lesson. Sadly, that's not the real world and I have no idea when or if he wants me back. A man's pride can keep him from the one he loves. Maybe he never loved me and was just comfortable? Maybe he doesn't know how to love? None of that justifies my hurt?
The anger in his eyes is the worse thing to see. This man has no feelings other then anger. In this one man is everything I've ever wanted and also what I don't want. Tonight I had a bank card thrown at my face because I asked him to turn off the TV at 10pm last night so that I could sleep. Tonight I was called cold hearted because I ask him to talk to his son about doing his laundry that was overflowing the day after he had a hard day at school. Is this what I deserve?
Now my two dogs, daughter and myself are all in one bedroom at my mom's house. What is my next step? Right now all I know is that I will be at my scheduled counseling session tomorrow. Will he show? I don't know. At this point I really need to focus on me and what God wants my next step to be. "Take the wheel Jesus" because I can't right now.
Whether he comes and gets me or not, my days ahead I'm sure will be hit with sadness and more questions then answers.
This sucks.
Of course, the little girl in me is hoping he comes and gets me and we live happily every after, after this lesson. Sadly, that's not the real world and I have no idea when or if he wants me back. A man's pride can keep him from the one he loves. Maybe he never loved me and was just comfortable? Maybe he doesn't know how to love? None of that justifies my hurt?
The anger in his eyes is the worse thing to see. This man has no feelings other then anger. In this one man is everything I've ever wanted and also what I don't want. Tonight I had a bank card thrown at my face because I asked him to turn off the TV at 10pm last night so that I could sleep. Tonight I was called cold hearted because I ask him to talk to his son about doing his laundry that was overflowing the day after he had a hard day at school. Is this what I deserve?
Now my two dogs, daughter and myself are all in one bedroom at my mom's house. What is my next step? Right now all I know is that I will be at my scheduled counseling session tomorrow. Will he show? I don't know. At this point I really need to focus on me and what God wants my next step to be. "Take the wheel Jesus" because I can't right now.
Whether he comes and gets me or not, my days ahead I'm sure will be hit with sadness and more questions then answers.
This sucks.
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
A Letter To My Husband
My Dearest Love,
The past month has been an interesting ride. Where do I begin? At least with something that you don't already know. It's obvious how much I love you, though you would insist that you love me more. I guess I'll start with what you mite not have known.
Last month and months before that, I was not in love with the person I was married to. I felt like I was going through the motions of being with someone in hopes that...well, to be honest I'm not sure. I just wanted you to care about me. Deep down inside I knew you loved me and that you would do anything for me but I didn't know if you were into me. Whenever anything is going on with you I couldn't really sense your mood because you were so closed off to me. Why take a partner in life if you didn't want to share your life? I felt like you didn't want me in your life but that's not what I wanted. I wanted you in my life, to know my inner most secrets and thoughts. To understand what makes me tick, what makes me genuinely happy, why my moods change, I wanted you to want to know it all about me! And I wanted to know everything about you, how I wished that you would let me in! I know you must feel or think something so why not tell me? It was as if moods, thoughts and feelings was something that you didn't have time for or couldn't handle. Things were OK as long as we didn't talk about anything serious, important or meaningful. Yes, we were in counseling "trying" but not whole heatedly. And if you're honest with yourself you will know that I am telling the truth. In my eyes you have been a ticking time bomb that only went off on me. My thoughts would often drift to, "why only me? What did I do so terrible?" Not saying that I am blame free in our past arguments. Looking back, there were so many feelings to what was happening with us and now it all feels like another life. Not ours. If I closed my eyes real tight and think back then I can recall how I felt but what's the point in that? That is our past.
Fast forward to today and I am so in love with the person I am married to. I look in your eyes and I can see how much you care for me. Your love is felt not just assumed that it's there. In the past couple of weeks I can think of at least three situations that you would've normally blown up on me and instead you handled me in such a gentle way. The way that I would always pray and hope to be met with. You are in tune with my feelings. When my mood changes (like women's moods tend to do) you ask me about it, you actually want to know what's going on with me! Now I know you care. For the first time in a long time (too long) I feel treasured. Precious. Loved. Accepted. Adored. Desired. Understood. Worthy.
Date nights, flowers and cards has nothing to do with money, being flashy or being materialistic but has everything to do with your time. Our fun date nights shows me how you still want to take me out, show me off to the world and court me after seeing me everyday. When I get flowers I know you took a good 20 or so minutes out of your day to go through the hassle of ordering them during a full day at work, just to surprise me with something so lively and fresh to brighten up my beloved kitchen and put a huge smile on my face. The cards you give leave me in awe how you always find the perfect card to express how you feel! How long it takes you standing in front of rows and rows of cards to pick just the right one I will never know, all I know is how much I treasure them and your art work on the back. I know that relationships grow and change but I never want us to grow and change out of this. You bringing it back makes me beyond happy just please don't stop again. These gestures make me feel hopeful for our future, I know that that probably sounds dumb but it does.
Why did it take almost three years to get to this point? I don't know but I wouldn't change our journey. Not sure if I would've taken it for granted if I had all of you in the beginning but I do know that I will always be thankful for who you are now and never take it for granted. I fell in love with your strength and determination, now you apply that to me and not just the shop. I now see you as someone who is ready to comfort me when I'm sad or frustrated, you are now the person that I can come to and talk with. You make me feel like I matter and not something to be ignored. Last week I thought it was all going to come crumbling apart, that my loving husband was going to (emotionally) leave me again and I'm so happy that you proved me wrong. This is going to take some getting use to on my part but I'm confident that it won't take long. :)
All this is to acknowledge you, our efforts and journey in this marriage. And to say with all my heart, I love you ! More!
Love,
Your Wife
The past month has been an interesting ride. Where do I begin? At least with something that you don't already know. It's obvious how much I love you, though you would insist that you love me more. I guess I'll start with what you mite not have known.
Last month and months before that, I was not in love with the person I was married to. I felt like I was going through the motions of being with someone in hopes that...well, to be honest I'm not sure. I just wanted you to care about me. Deep down inside I knew you loved me and that you would do anything for me but I didn't know if you were into me. Whenever anything is going on with you I couldn't really sense your mood because you were so closed off to me. Why take a partner in life if you didn't want to share your life? I felt like you didn't want me in your life but that's not what I wanted. I wanted you in my life, to know my inner most secrets and thoughts. To understand what makes me tick, what makes me genuinely happy, why my moods change, I wanted you to want to know it all about me! And I wanted to know everything about you, how I wished that you would let me in! I know you must feel or think something so why not tell me? It was as if moods, thoughts and feelings was something that you didn't have time for or couldn't handle. Things were OK as long as we didn't talk about anything serious, important or meaningful. Yes, we were in counseling "trying" but not whole heatedly. And if you're honest with yourself you will know that I am telling the truth. In my eyes you have been a ticking time bomb that only went off on me. My thoughts would often drift to, "why only me? What did I do so terrible?" Not saying that I am blame free in our past arguments. Looking back, there were so many feelings to what was happening with us and now it all feels like another life. Not ours. If I closed my eyes real tight and think back then I can recall how I felt but what's the point in that? That is our past.
Fast forward to today and I am so in love with the person I am married to. I look in your eyes and I can see how much you care for me. Your love is felt not just assumed that it's there. In the past couple of weeks I can think of at least three situations that you would've normally blown up on me and instead you handled me in such a gentle way. The way that I would always pray and hope to be met with. You are in tune with my feelings. When my mood changes (like women's moods tend to do) you ask me about it, you actually want to know what's going on with me! Now I know you care. For the first time in a long time (too long) I feel treasured. Precious. Loved. Accepted. Adored. Desired. Understood. Worthy.
Date nights, flowers and cards has nothing to do with money, being flashy or being materialistic but has everything to do with your time. Our fun date nights shows me how you still want to take me out, show me off to the world and court me after seeing me everyday. When I get flowers I know you took a good 20 or so minutes out of your day to go through the hassle of ordering them during a full day at work, just to surprise me with something so lively and fresh to brighten up my beloved kitchen and put a huge smile on my face. The cards you give leave me in awe how you always find the perfect card to express how you feel! How long it takes you standing in front of rows and rows of cards to pick just the right one I will never know, all I know is how much I treasure them and your art work on the back. I know that relationships grow and change but I never want us to grow and change out of this. You bringing it back makes me beyond happy just please don't stop again. These gestures make me feel hopeful for our future, I know that that probably sounds dumb but it does.
Why did it take almost three years to get to this point? I don't know but I wouldn't change our journey. Not sure if I would've taken it for granted if I had all of you in the beginning but I do know that I will always be thankful for who you are now and never take it for granted. I fell in love with your strength and determination, now you apply that to me and not just the shop. I now see you as someone who is ready to comfort me when I'm sad or frustrated, you are now the person that I can come to and talk with. You make me feel like I matter and not something to be ignored. Last week I thought it was all going to come crumbling apart, that my loving husband was going to (emotionally) leave me again and I'm so happy that you proved me wrong. This is going to take some getting use to on my part but I'm confident that it won't take long. :)
All this is to acknowledge you, our efforts and journey in this marriage. And to say with all my heart, I love you ! More!
Love,
Your Wife
Monday, February 29, 2016
My Rainbow After The Storm
What started as a devastating blow to my heart has turned into such (dare I say) a blessing. In the last three weeks I got to know, understand and fall in a deeper love with my husband. During a difficult time I thank God for always walking it through with me to the good that He has for us.
Prior to the news my husband dropped on me our intimacy was low to non existent. Don't get me wrong, I loved the man, found him very desirable but there seemed to be a barrier between us that we couldn't knock down, it was the elephant in the room. Considering all that, I truly believe that's what led to everything. We talked all the time, laughed, completed one another sentences but never really communicated. For us to sit down and bare our hearts, struggles and feelings with one another just didn't happen. He didn't know how to and I didn't trust him enough.
In three weeks we went to two counseling sessions, got serious, opened up and learned new behaviors. Before we could learn how to communicate, we had to be ready and that's what made all the difference with us. Seeing where we were and what we had become was a wake up call. That was never what we wanted to become and be to one another. Anyone that see's us can see how much we love each other, we just needed to learn how to better communicate and trust.
We have been very fortunate to be able to have our son stay with him mom and our daughter to stay with my mom for a few weeks so that we could focus on our marriage. It was almost like an intense marriage rehab. Though I was hopefully, I was scared we'd just fall back into the same cycle. Fight, make up, be good for a couple weeks then start all over again.
There have been "tests" along the way and all I could think was "here we go again." To my surprise my husband has put to use everything we've learned, he has been in tune with my feelings, gentle, understanding and the biggest of all, he communicates with me! I know that we may have bumps in the road but I pray we continue with our new habits and ride those bumps out together rather than battling each other along the way.
I feel like I'm married to a new man. A better man. He is gaining my trust. He's loving me the way that I need him to. I have never felt so close to him before. The new him has made him irresistible to me. I have fallen in love all over again with my husband.
Prior to the news my husband dropped on me our intimacy was low to non existent. Don't get me wrong, I loved the man, found him very desirable but there seemed to be a barrier between us that we couldn't knock down, it was the elephant in the room. Considering all that, I truly believe that's what led to everything. We talked all the time, laughed, completed one another sentences but never really communicated. For us to sit down and bare our hearts, struggles and feelings with one another just didn't happen. He didn't know how to and I didn't trust him enough.
In three weeks we went to two counseling sessions, got serious, opened up and learned new behaviors. Before we could learn how to communicate, we had to be ready and that's what made all the difference with us. Seeing where we were and what we had become was a wake up call. That was never what we wanted to become and be to one another. Anyone that see's us can see how much we love each other, we just needed to learn how to better communicate and trust.
We have been very fortunate to be able to have our son stay with him mom and our daughter to stay with my mom for a few weeks so that we could focus on our marriage. It was almost like an intense marriage rehab. Though I was hopefully, I was scared we'd just fall back into the same cycle. Fight, make up, be good for a couple weeks then start all over again.
There have been "tests" along the way and all I could think was "here we go again." To my surprise my husband has put to use everything we've learned, he has been in tune with my feelings, gentle, understanding and the biggest of all, he communicates with me! I know that we may have bumps in the road but I pray we continue with our new habits and ride those bumps out together rather than battling each other along the way.
I feel like I'm married to a new man. A better man. He is gaining my trust. He's loving me the way that I need him to. I have never felt so close to him before. The new him has made him irresistible to me. I have fallen in love all over again with my husband.
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Not Loving My Shattered Life
It's been a month since my last post and trust me if things haven't been crazy then I would've posted sooner. I have been sick for 3 straight weeks and finally feel healthy again. Now that my virus is gone I am focusing on making my heart and mind healthy.
My husband dropped a bombshell on me recently. It feels like I'm in a bad dream that keeps playing over and over. Why did this happen with my marriage? My husband? God, how much more are you going to trust me to handle? I've spent the last 24 hours with tears in my eyes. Every time I'm home alone I cry my eyes out like a big baby.
His confession made sense as to why he is so flat out not present in our marriage. For along time I have felt alone. For along time I have been without the man I fell in love with. For the longest time I've waited for my love to come back to me. Why did he willingly leave me? Why didn't he let me in? Isn't it you and me against the world? My husband has been a shell of himself and now I have to deal with all these emotions. I can't even look at him or hear his voice without asking myself, who is this person? Am I over reacting?
I wrote him a lengthy email because I can't bring myself to tell him in person without wanting to physically hurt him and yell at him. Will he understand what I'm feeling? Will he understand that this hard or me? Will he understand why it is hard for me? Will he ride out my vast emotions with me? All these questions I have and even if I get answers, the answers will not make me feel sympathetic.
Growing up my biological dad wasn't around. After 27 years of him not around he finally reached out to my brother and I and wanted to make an amends for his absents. When we finally sat down with him I had a list of questions. Each answer I got made me more upset because it still didn't make sense to me. It didn't justify his actions or lack of. My brother and I were the victims not him. To this day his "excuses," "reasons," "justifications," and "apologies" don't put me at ease.
Early last year my daughter wanted to meet her absent biological dad. My husband and I took her. Before going she literally made a list and asked me, if she wasn't able to ask the questions, if I could and I said yes. We all met up, she and I asked her questions. She left with just as much disappointment then before meeting him sadly for the first time. His answers did nothing to help her understand.
These past experiences and feelings are how I feel today about my husband. I'm so angry at him. I'm so disappointed. I was here to love him, gave him my heart, anything he wanted or needed from me I'd gladly give it! Was that not enough? Was my love not enough? Was I not enough?
I feel like I am mourning the loss of the man I fell in love with. I need him to be here to be my rock. I need him here to tell me everything is going to be OK. I need him here to hold me and kiss my forehead. I literally feel like that man died.
Even as I'm typing tears are coming down. My keyboard is wet. My tear drops are big and watery. These tears are coming from my heart rather then my eyes. In this time that I feel so alone and broken I'm holding onto my faith, that's all I have. God, please bring me comfort.
Part of my email to my husband:
My husband dropped a bombshell on me recently. It feels like I'm in a bad dream that keeps playing over and over. Why did this happen with my marriage? My husband? God, how much more are you going to trust me to handle? I've spent the last 24 hours with tears in my eyes. Every time I'm home alone I cry my eyes out like a big baby.
His confession made sense as to why he is so flat out not present in our marriage. For along time I have felt alone. For along time I have been without the man I fell in love with. For the longest time I've waited for my love to come back to me. Why did he willingly leave me? Why didn't he let me in? Isn't it you and me against the world? My husband has been a shell of himself and now I have to deal with all these emotions. I can't even look at him or hear his voice without asking myself, who is this person? Am I over reacting?
I wrote him a lengthy email because I can't bring myself to tell him in person without wanting to physically hurt him and yell at him. Will he understand what I'm feeling? Will he understand that this hard or me? Will he understand why it is hard for me? Will he ride out my vast emotions with me? All these questions I have and even if I get answers, the answers will not make me feel sympathetic.
Growing up my biological dad wasn't around. After 27 years of him not around he finally reached out to my brother and I and wanted to make an amends for his absents. When we finally sat down with him I had a list of questions. Each answer I got made me more upset because it still didn't make sense to me. It didn't justify his actions or lack of. My brother and I were the victims not him. To this day his "excuses," "reasons," "justifications," and "apologies" don't put me at ease.
Early last year my daughter wanted to meet her absent biological dad. My husband and I took her. Before going she literally made a list and asked me, if she wasn't able to ask the questions, if I could and I said yes. We all met up, she and I asked her questions. She left with just as much disappointment then before meeting him sadly for the first time. His answers did nothing to help her understand.
These past experiences and feelings are how I feel today about my husband. I'm so angry at him. I'm so disappointed. I was here to love him, gave him my heart, anything he wanted or needed from me I'd gladly give it! Was that not enough? Was my love not enough? Was I not enough?
I feel like I am mourning the loss of the man I fell in love with. I need him to be here to be my rock. I need him here to tell me everything is going to be OK. I need him here to hold me and kiss my forehead. I literally feel like that man died.
Even as I'm typing tears are coming down. My keyboard is wet. My tear drops are big and watery. These tears are coming from my heart rather then my eyes. In this time that I feel so alone and broken I'm holding onto my faith, that's all I have. God, please bring me comfort.
Part of my email to my husband:
"The man I fell in love with was my real true love.
I've been hanging in there waiting for him to come back to me to take me away from this .to love me. to tell me how much he loves me and look into my eyes. I've stayed right here where he left me so that he could find me. Instead of getting lost along the way back to me I think he died and now I'm here crying my heart out cause he is gone and I don't know how to live life without him, this is the worse pain I've ever felt. He was my everything. He showed me what true love was and then left. I miss my true love so much!"
Saturday, January 9, 2016
Brave Enough To Seek Help
It's been almost a month since my last entry and so much has changed but yet so much is still the same. My last entry, my husband and I were going to seek counsel and we have been doing so. The first time we went I have to admit that I was not in the greatest of spirits. I was hurt, stand off-ish and discouraged to see that after only 2 years of marriage we were in a counselors office and on a couch no less! I had to be reassured by my husband that we were there because we love each other and want to have a healthy marriage not because it was the beginning of the the end.
We have once a week sessions since then and I can honestly say that I see the difference. I see that my husband wants to communicate with me even though he mite feel like he doesn't know how. It means so much for me to see this because before I thought he just didn't care. For the first time since we said "I do" I feel like he's actually listening me to me!
We are not perfect, we have had our fights in the past month. During the time of the disagreement it mite not feel like much had changed. Once we quiet down we are fast to talk about what's going on, reconnect and do our best to move on together. Before it would take weeks for that to happen. So, at least there is progress. Our goal is to get to the point of being about to have a disagreement without the shouting and disconnection from one another.
Looking for a counselor is serious stuff! For the past 3 weeks we've been meeting with this one gentleman and though he has given some good tips for us we just feel like he is not what we are looking for. There was a counselor that I sought out and thought he'd be ideal for us but he was not taking new clients at the time.
Once my husband and I decided to start looking for another counselor I brought up the ideal counselor. My husband read up on him and was in an agreement to try him out so he contacted him and what do you know?! That evening he emails my husband ready to take us on as clients! I was super excited and still am! I'm hoping this experience is better than our first. We meet with the new one guy on Monday and I cannot wait!
Marriage counseling just got added to our busy schedules and after much reassuring I couldn't be more happier.
We have once a week sessions since then and I can honestly say that I see the difference. I see that my husband wants to communicate with me even though he mite feel like he doesn't know how. It means so much for me to see this because before I thought he just didn't care. For the first time since we said "I do" I feel like he's actually listening me to me!
We are not perfect, we have had our fights in the past month. During the time of the disagreement it mite not feel like much had changed. Once we quiet down we are fast to talk about what's going on, reconnect and do our best to move on together. Before it would take weeks for that to happen. So, at least there is progress. Our goal is to get to the point of being about to have a disagreement without the shouting and disconnection from one another.
Looking for a counselor is serious stuff! For the past 3 weeks we've been meeting with this one gentleman and though he has given some good tips for us we just feel like he is not what we are looking for. There was a counselor that I sought out and thought he'd be ideal for us but he was not taking new clients at the time.
Once my husband and I decided to start looking for another counselor I brought up the ideal counselor. My husband read up on him and was in an agreement to try him out so he contacted him and what do you know?! That evening he emails my husband ready to take us on as clients! I was super excited and still am! I'm hoping this experience is better than our first. We meet with the new one guy on Monday and I cannot wait!
Marriage counseling just got added to our busy schedules and after much reassuring I couldn't be more happier.
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