Old Dog & New Tricks

Silent treatment still going strong on the home front, so, I decided to throw myself into other activities to keep me busy. 

This week my Doberman, Red Boy and I had a private session with a dog trainer to help me teach this 80 lbs. guy to not drag me when we go for walks. She was amazing! In one session she taught me that my dog is not hyper like how I thought but that he has high anxiety when out for walks. The smell of other dogs, the noises and all the commotion going on around him scares my gentle giant, making it hard for him to focus. I felt so bad! She showed me how to redirect his attention with snacks and praise. And it works! 

I take him on walks 3-4 times a day about 20-30 mins long and only up the street and back. Our goal is to get him comfortable with one street at a time then later we can introduce him to the next street. With one session he is a changed dog and I am so happy and proud to walk him. Though, he is not 100% "trained" but such a huge improvement. 

Since I sought out training for my beloved dog, I figured I'd seek out some help for my marriage as well. I've been vigorously looking for a marriage counselor that specializes in the areas that can help us. Yes, there is more then one area that we need help in. We have talked about it in the past but nothing ever came of it. Now thinking back, if we would've followed through maybe we would be better off right now. Well, no time to dwell on the should've, I'm on a mission. 

The search has been rough, I found one that I felt would be perfect but sadly, they aren't taking on anymore clients at this time. At least I know that I'm not the only one now. Haha. I spent all last night looking and started to feel discouraged. He has no idea that I'm searching so the next step I'm going to be faced with is telling him I made an appointment. How will he react? Will he be as open to it as he was in the past? Will he even be willing to save and grow this marriage? Regardless of his reaction I need to know that I tried. My silent husband and I need to seek help fast or just walk away from one another. If not then it will be the same disagreement every other month with no progress in sight. I don't know about him but that arrangement just does not work for me. 

My Big Red "Puppy" Boy

Is It Me?

How do I say this without sounding repetitive? How can I say it without not sounding like I don't love my family? I don't know but here it goes.

This is how it goes down, my son gets argumentative with me and I let it go. He does it again and I stay quiet. My daughter doesn't feel like she can have a normal conversation with him because he gets loud with her and aggressive and I tell her, "he's just a teenage boy, ignore it." He continues to be confrontational with me over the tiniest things and I still let it go. He gets loud with me again and my daughter feels increasingly uncomfortable and it pushes me to my breaking point. I finally tell my husband a bit of what is going on and he just tells me to tell him something next time. No big help but at least I let him know that I can't take much more of it. Our son gets mad at me for telling him to take a shower before school even though he mite be late cause he didn't set his alarm clock, this takes me below my breaking point.

The smallest things set this kid off. I can't even have a conversation or ask a question without him losing it with me. I can't joke with him because he takes everything so literally. I can't talk, can't laugh with him so when it's just me and him it feel awkward for me, almost like I'm home alone.

I have a close relationship with my daughter. We talk, we laugh, I discipline her, we hang out and most of all she knows how to respect me. I would love to be able to do this with my son but it feels impossible.

When I tell my husband about the latest blow up, he assures me that we will talk with him later tonight. But in the process he makes me feel like I'm the issue and that my feelings don't matter. He's always so caught up in who's right and who's wrong, throws my family in as if that has anything to do with what we are talking about, tosses in the two older kids and keeps telling me things can't be perfect. It feelings like arrows being thrown at me. So, of course I completely get unhinged and blow up, it's frustrating! Why bring my family into it? Why bring up the two oldest ones?

Alright, lets talk about it. My family is not a bunch of losers, people in my family are not disrespectful, my family doesn't cuss each other out, my siblings and I respect our parents and I can not say that for his. So maybe we should be focused on HIS family so that our son does NOT turn out like that. Our oldest had her many issues long before I came along such as lying to her parents, selfishness and being disrespectful (which is an understatement). The other one, steals, lies and goes AWOL. All these behaviors were there way before me, I just happen to be the person to not put up with it and for that, they do not "like" me. Perfect? To want to have a conversation without our son getting aggressive with me or my daughter is asking for things to be perfect? Perfect would be for the ex wife to fall off the face of the earth but I'm not even asking for that!

Anyways. Yes, he's a good kid. He gets great grades and is athletic but that does not teach him right from wrong, how to be respectful, how to treat one another or how to be an independent individual. His mom doesn't teach this because she doesn't want to upset him and thinks him being a "good kid" is good enough. And my husband doesn't because he is at work all day. So does that come down to me since I'm home with him the most? Or do I just leave him to himself?

I can't do the latter. I can not, not be a parent to my kids and not prepare them for the real world or help them along to develop those important skills that will get them through life. Why am I the only one that see's this as being vital to them?! If they don't want me to be that example and help teach him then do not leave me alone with him cause I can not sit silently and let this behavior continue.

Already I can see how this evening is going to go. My husband will come home and we will be distant. We will talk with our son, he will stay radio silent and have nothing to say. Later he will call his mom "crying" and possibly say he doesn't want to be here anymore. The ex wife will call my husband demanding to know what is going on and disagree about how we handled it. My husband and I will remain distant for the next few days maybe even week. Sadly, I've gotten good at the silent routine. I use to cry now I just feel nothing.

Many times I feel alone and depressed because of issues like this that we go through. After two years of marriage it has not gotten easier.

My Hopes For Him

My older brother has been blessed enough to have a girlfriend that he is in love with. This is great news! I enjoy seeing how smitten he is with this nice girl. She really is something special. You really must be if you come around my family and want to stick around after meeting us. Haha. But in all seriousness, my brother is getting up there in age and we have all been hoping that someone would come his way and fast. When this angel came along we couldn't have been happier for him. The only thing that makes me a little concern for him is that she has two kids.

I was raised by a single mom, was a single mom and have no issues with a single mom, however, since my marriage to a man with three kids, I do know how hard it is. Three kids and two different women in my life. If my brother's love continues to blossom he will instantly have, two kids and a man in his life. Like I said I have no issue with these circumstances but there is much challenge that comes with the instant family. Whether it be with the kids, the other parent or both. I wouldn't wish these challenges and heartbreaks on anyone but these days just about everyone comes into a relationship with kids. 

Seeing how it's so common these days, you think the parents would know how to better handle all that comes with the visitation schedules, holidays, birthdays, etc. I'm chasing a rabbit here, let me get back to my point...

I feel like I have had my heart broken in ways that I never thought possible and seen people act in a behavior that makes me think, is this is really happening? Pretty much, I just hope that my brother will have a better experience than what I have had. 

I hope his situation is more smoother, I hope that his skin is thick enough to handle any comments that are thrown his way that may be attacking him as a person, I hope that his heart is big enough to see past any challenges, I hope that his heart is strong enough to handle the sadness, I hope that he is compassionate enough to comfort when needed and I hope that he will be a great example to those two kids. 

I wish him and Miss "D" a happy journey to where ever it is that they are headed. 

:) 

Beaming With Joy

Every year for my daughter's birthday I get emotional and without fail I was a big ball of emotions on her special day. I can't wrap my mind around how amazing of a person she is turning out to be! I'm sure this is how most moms feel but for me this is different. I can be a pretty blunt person and come out and call it as I see it, even if it is with my own child. 

For an example, she's always been a  good kid, even as a baby. She slept through the night, never had a tantrum and always respectful but she was very shy. Her shyness drove me crazy! It was embarrassing, she wouldn't even say hi to family members that she knew her whole life. The only people she talked openly with was my parents, my siblings and myself. I worried that she would be an introvert her whole life. Not that there's anything wrong that but I wanted her to be able to speak up for herself, use her big girl voice. 

I even put her in softball for 3 seasons hoping that it would bring her out of her shell but nope she wasn't coming of for nothing or no one. It was to my surprise that when I brought her around my boyfriend (now husband) she opened up to him a lot. Even when we brought all our kids together after a few times she was playing with them. Since my husband has been in our lives my daughter has shed her shell, talks to all family members, speaks up for herself in public and is just a ball of energy when out in public. She has become a huge chatter box and all this is thanks to my husband. 

These days she just turned 12 years old, finished her 6th grade level and now going onto 7th grade early, has a little job with a family friend washing dishes, always talking about her dreams for the future and planning on a career, she amazes me! She is more alert and aware of what is going on around her and in the world than the majority of adults. 

From the beginning I said I would never baby talk her or down play her alertness/intelligence because she was a baby, toddler or kid, even at those ages kids are very smart and soak up so much. I wanted to stimulate her mind, teach her how to make good decisions, learn to do things for herself, all of this within reason of course and never not teach her right from wrong. And I am so happy to see that she has picked up on these common skills that will last her a lifetime. 

Her and I have come such a long way in the past 12 years, we have grown together and I couldn't love and appreciated her more!

Beach Life

For the past two weeks my husband and I have been childless and staying right on the beach! We managed to be an hours drive outside our city but yet maintain a 30 minute drive from my husbands work. Two weeks of coastal weather, no WiFi, no kids, no having to do nothing but relax in God's beautiful landscape. 

The first couple of days felt weird, I had no idea what to do with myself. During the day while my husband was at work it was just me and my dogs. The closest drive to be in an actual city environment was at least 40 minutes and that's driving on a narrow road in the mountains. After a few days I started getting into a healthy routine. I figured since it was pretty much just me, that I should focus on me. I took a 30 minute drive everyday to the nearest gym and worked out every afternoon until it was getting close to the time that my husband was coming home. Met some interesting people there. We went on a 3 day cleanse/diet. Both Sundays and Thanksgiving we drove back "home" to be with our family for their birthdays and holiday. 

Everything about being away I loved! The air, weather, calmness, open range and can't forget about the fresh amazing sea foods! Even when it rained it was perfect! It kinda felt like we had no responsibilities out there. We were living the beach life! 

Knowing we were going to be leaving made me sad. My husband on the other hand was abit anxious to get back home so that we could start settling down. I've always wanted to move out of my city or state and this two week teaser just made me want it that much more! 

Before anyone questions our parenting let me set the record straight. Our son stayed with his mom for the week she normally gets him then asked if she could keep him for another week to take him on a trip, then we would get him for two weeks straight. Our daughter stayed with my mom so that she could finish up her online course. Missing them goes without saying. But they aren't babies anymore they can manage a few extra day without us by their sides every minute. 

The kids are the only reason why I'm happy to be back. If it wasn't for them, I'd be long gone! Pack up my parents and my mother in law and hit the road! Hahaha! 

Now that we are back we can focus on settling into our new place, training my dogs how to walk on a leash and get ready for Christmas. After all the craziness we have been through the past few months and the natural beauty that we were surround with, I refuse to get caught up in the hype of shopping for the holidays. Gift cards for everybody!  Don't judge me. 

Our view everyday