My husband dropped a bombshell on me recently. It feels like I'm in a bad dream that keeps playing over and over. Why did this happen with my marriage? My husband? God, how much more are you going to trust me to handle? I've spent the last 24 hours with tears in my eyes. Every time I'm home alone I cry my eyes out like a big baby.
His confession made sense as to why he is so flat out not present in our marriage. For along time I have felt alone. For along time I have been without the man I fell in love with. For the longest time I've waited for my love to come back to me. Why did he willingly leave me? Why didn't he let me in? Isn't it you and me against the world? My husband has been a shell of himself and now I have to deal with all these emotions. I can't even look at him or hear his voice without asking myself, who is this person? Am I over reacting?
I wrote him a lengthy email because I can't bring myself to tell him in person without wanting to physically hurt him and yell at him. Will he understand what I'm feeling? Will he understand that this hard or me? Will he understand why it is hard for me? Will he ride out my vast emotions with me? All these questions I have and even if I get answers, the answers will not make me feel sympathetic.
Growing up my biological dad wasn't around. After 27 years of him not around he finally reached out to my brother and I and wanted to make an amends for his absents. When we finally sat down with him I had a list of questions. Each answer I got made me more upset because it still didn't make sense to me. It didn't justify his actions or lack of. My brother and I were the victims not him. To this day his "excuses," "reasons," "justifications," and "apologies" don't put me at ease.
Early last year my daughter wanted to meet her absent biological dad. My husband and I took her. Before going she literally made a list and asked me, if she wasn't able to ask the questions, if I could and I said yes. We all met up, she and I asked her questions. She left with just as much disappointment then before meeting him sadly for the first time. His answers did nothing to help her understand.
These past experiences and feelings are how I feel today about my husband. I'm so angry at him. I'm so disappointed. I was here to love him, gave him my heart, anything he wanted or needed from me I'd gladly give it! Was that not enough? Was my love not enough? Was I not enough?
I feel like I am mourning the loss of the man I fell in love with. I need him to be here to be my rock. I need him here to tell me everything is going to be OK. I need him here to hold me and kiss my forehead. I literally feel like that man died.
Even as I'm typing tears are coming down. My keyboard is wet. My tear drops are big and watery. These tears are coming from my heart rather then my eyes. In this time that I feel so alone and broken I'm holding onto my faith, that's all I have. God, please bring me comfort.
Part of my email to my husband:
"The man I fell in love with was my real true love.
I've been hanging in there waiting for him to come back to me to take me away from this .to love me. to tell me how much he loves me and look into my eyes. I've stayed right here where he left me so that he could find me. Instead of getting lost along the way back to me I think he died and now I'm here crying my heart out cause he is gone and I don't know how to live life without him, this is the worse pain I've ever felt. He was my everything. He showed me what true love was and then left. I miss my true love so much!"
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